Q&A

What are your coaching focus areas and why are they meaningful to you?

Each of my focus areas are foundational to a meaningful and joy-filled life on earth and beyond. Alternatively, getting these areas wrong can bring much unnecessary pain and misery. I passionately want others to excel in these areas. Of course, it is each person’s decision to choose the areas and topics they want to be coached on.

Life purpose. I have always wanted to first understand the “big picture” before I begin to work on a small piece of it. In life, that big picture is our “life purpose”. If we do not know where we are ultimately headed, then how can we know the value of changing our current course? Everyone’s life purpose is unique to them and is based on several factors, including their core values, gifts, abilities, and passions.
Emotional strength. People have come to realize that emotional intelligence is a greater indicator of success than IQ. And yet, there is little focus on bolstering people’s emotional strength. The skills I learned in DBT improved my emotional strength considerably and they do not need to be part of therapy to continue to do so.

Important relationships. We live in a busy society that pushes us to invest our time and energy in our jobs, careers, finances, hobbies, events, etc., sometimes to the detriment of our most important relationships. I would be thrilled if coaching someone could help a marriage or other important relationship thrive instead of falling apart.
Christian faith. I will coach almost anyone about almost any topic they bring to me. However, there are those out there who share my Christian faith and, as a result, will feel more comfortable having me coach them. I put my faith in Jesus as a young child and have not walked away from him since. There is a certain amount of head knowledge needed to follow him, but mainly it is a matter of our willingness to give up trying to control everything, including him, and simply let God be God.

What are your current interests outside of coaching?

Orange Theory Fitness. Since 2019, I have regularly attended 60-minute, high intensity workouts involving treadmills, rowers, dumbbells, and floor exercises. I see many of the same coaches, staff, and members time after time. I enjoy the comradery, keeping healthy, and reaching physical goals I would otherwise never pursue.
Downhill skiing. I used to dread North Dakota and Minnesota winters because they were so cold, dark, and long. After taking downhill skiing lessons in 2021, I finally learned what I am supposed to do as travel down the slope. I now look forward to winter, and the more snow we get the better, even if it means more cold.
Kids ministry volunteer. After leading adult small groups for most of my adult life, in 2015 I started working with preschoolers and eventually elementary kids in my local church. Being with those kids is always a test of my authenticity because they can sense when it is missing.

Part-time software engineer. In 2022 I went from full-time to part-time so that I could focus on starting up my life coaching business. However, I still find satisfaction in writing software, getting it to execute perfectly, and leaving behind good documentation so that the next engineer can understand it.
Playing piano, horseback riding, downhill skiing. In recent years I have been dabbling with these hobbies. Depending on my health and the availability of resources, I hope to become semi-proficient in at least one of these. We’ll see.

What books or resources have most influenced your life in recent years?

Below, I list the important resources in the order I encountered them and applied them to my life. They helped me understand myself better and gave me topics to coach myself on and bring to talk therapy sessions with my licensed professional counselor (LPC). Looking back, many of my later counseling sessions were similar in nature to coaching sessions. Those topics greatly influenced the areas I chose to focus on in my life coaching business.

a. “The Expanded Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual: DBT for Self-Help and Individual & Group Treatment Settings" by Lane Pederson, 2017

I took part in six months of a professionally run Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) program shortly after my lengthy and severe depression resulted in marital separation. DBT changed my life in ways I could never have imagined beforehand.
The essence of DBT is for participants to learn skills in four major areas: 1. Mindfulness, 2. Emotional Regulation, 3. Distress Tolerance, 4. Interpersonal Effectiveness.
Each week we met as a group and learned a new skill. During that week we practiced using that skill. The following week we met and shared how we applied that skill to our real-life situations.
After six months of learning and practicing new skills, they became integrated into who we were as people.
I still review my card deck of over 30 DBT skills. I often discover that I need to brush up on one or more skills to successfully deal with situations in my life.

b. “Depression Fallout – The impact of depression on Couples and what you can do to preserve the bond”, by Anne Sheffield 2003

I hardly ever say this about anything, but this book blew my mind! It eerily read like a biography of my own marriage. That is, when a depressed person (aka depressed partner) like me is married to a normal person (aka fallout partner) like my wife.
In chapter 1, the author names five stages that fallout partners go through: 1. Confusion, 2. Self-Blame, 3. Demoralization, 4. Resentment, and 5. Separation.
“… trying to have a relationship with a depressed person is like walking through a minefield.” (p. 87)
“Over time, the accumulation of hurts inhibits fallout sufferers from offering the supportive words and gestures that are as necessary to a [depressed person] as good professional treatment.” (p. 87)
“Depressed partners seem perplexed by love. Unable to assess its status, they flip back and forth from yes to no.” (p. 171)
“Commitment to the relationship leaves [fallout partners] feeling rejected and betrayed; surely, they think, depression alone cannot be the explanation.” (p. 172)
“The depressed think very poorly of themselves.” (p. 179)
“That old homily, ‘You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself,’ is a fitting epitaph for the depression sufferer’s intimate relationships.” (p. 180)

c. “Embracing Uncomfortable – Facing our fears while pursuing our purpose” by Deborah E Gorton, 2020

This book gave me the courage and the confidence to face my greatest fears head on.
“When we don’t practice the disciplined pause that allows us to filter our emotions through truth, our behavior functions contrary to our purpose.” (p. 46)
“To use time wisely requires that we embrace the loss of something important for the greater gain of pursuing purpose.” (p. 47)
“I now see myself as called to listen with the goal of understanding and being non-judgmentally present with each person who walks through the doors of my office.” (p. 54)
“If you think back to the last time you justified [something], it is likely because you weren’t following your values and were misaligned with your purpose … .” (p. 134)
The author devotes an entire chapter to help the reader find their purpose and values, and she does so in a unique way.

d. “Emotional Agility – Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life” by Susan David, 2017

This book integrated many of the concepts I had learned from reading the other books in this list.
"… emotional agility [is] being flexible with your thoughts and feelings so that you can respond optimally to everyday situations … ." (p. 4)
"… emotional rigidity [is] getting hooked by thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that don't serve us … including depression and anxiety." (p. 4)
"[Emotionally agile people] experience feelings like anger and sadness … but they face these with curiosity, self-compassion, and acceptance." (p. 6)
“[The ‘Tiny Tweaks Principle’ is the principle that] small, deliberate tweaks infused with your values can make a huge difference in your life." (p. 13)
“[The ‘Sea-Saw Principle’ is the principle that there is this] balance between challenge and competence, so we're neither complacent nor overwhelmed, but excited, enthusiastic and invigorated by challenges." (p. 13)

e. “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality – It’s impossible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature” by Peter Scazzero, 2017

This book helped me understand why my spiritual growth often became stunted. It also introduced me to the concept of the Wall. I am confident that I am still moving forward through my own personal Wall.
“To the degree that we are unable to express our emotions, we remain impaired in our ability to love God, others, and ourselves as well.” (p. 24)
“For most of us the Wall appears through a crisis that turns our world upside down.” (p. 101)
“I finally went forward through [the Wall] because the pain of staying where I was felt unbearable.” (p. 101)
“We make choices to trust God, to wait on God, to obey God, to stick with God, to remain faithful when everything in us wants to quit and run. But it is his slow, deep work of transformation in us, not ours.” (p. 108)
“Christians can be notoriously judgmental in the name of standing up for the truth. But people who have been through the Wall are broken. [They] are freed from judging others.” (p. 108-109)